Sad
Helpless
Frustrated
Angry
Loser
Lonely
Furious
Undeserving
These are just a few expressions of feelings going through my body, for quite awhile now I cannot stop feeling this way. I cry myself to sleep mainly because I miss my brother, but also because I am not working, things are not going well for me this year and there are still four more months left.
Sad: That may babies are going off to Kindergarten tomorrow, they are growing up so fast, how I
wish that they were babies again.
That the holidays will be coming soon and my brother will not be here with us.
Helpless: That I am not bringing in money to help with the finances
That I wasn't able to help my brother get out of the mess he is in.
Frustrated: That I haven't found a job yet
That my ex-husband won't just drop off the face of the earth
That my brother won't see his girlfriend for the bitch that she is
Angry: That I lost my job (once again)
That the world is not a safe place for children anymore (or was it ever?)
That my ex-husband is still fighting me in court for child support (it's been 6 years!)
Loser: This is how I feel, seeing that I cannot find a job that I can hold on to. I did once, was
there for 11 years but thanks to the President of the company, he decided to be a
greedy SOB and was stealing money from the company, thus making the FBI shut the
company down.
I also feel like this for not wanting to go back to school to better myself for a new career.
Bottom line is, my whole life I felt like a loser.
Lonely: So many things that make me lonely, like missing my grandparents, my brother, my
cousins (we were so close but we grew up and grew apart). I miss my godmother, she was a wonderful person just like my grandparents. My kids are growing up which means
pretty soon they will not need me as much as they do now.
Furious: With my brothers girlfriend, I know she is not honest with him and doing things behind
his back. With myself for all the things listed above. I need to let things go, I need to
not let things bother me so much. I may come off strong and bold but inside it kills me
what people thing about me or say about me. No one is perfect although I have many
relatives that believe that they are and tend to forget where they came from. Furious
with the way the economy is, if it were not this bad I would still have the job I dreamed
of 17 years ago.
Undeserving: I don't deserve to be married to the man I love, he is too good for me, he deserves
better. I don't deserve to have my kids, I love them with all of my heart but I
know that they could have a better person as a mother.
and lastly, the love of GOD, I have done things in my past that he would not
approve of, as a parent I know that I would not have approved my kids doing such
things, therefore I feel undeserving of his love.