Some of you know me quite well. And for those of you who don't, well lets' just say that I don't like spending money foolishly. My husband on the other hand is just the opposite. I always think of others when it comes to spending money before I spend some on myself, that is until Feb. 2nd when I did something that I have never done before nor do I think I will do it again (but it felt good doing it). Now let me start by saying that if I need or want something I tend to buy it at Walgreens, Walmart, Target, K-Mart, you get the picture right? So I will not buy a pair of shoes that are over $25.00 nor jeans that are over $25.00 to me that is just crazy. Jewlery: well if I want a cheap pair of earrings I will get them at the above stores and be happy. This time I had been thinking probably since December that I wanted to go into a jewlery store and buy "ME" somthing. I don't know why I felt this way but I did and it took me awhile to get the courage to do it. Now my DH doesn't care that I spend money as a matter of fact he wants me to spend money on myself. So here I go, into a jewlery store that his cousins wife works at. I waited awhile for her because she was taking care of a customer, so I looked around the store and at times I wanted to walk out of there, I mean who was I kidding, I couldn't really afford what they have there. I saw quite a few things that I liked but what I was really looking for was a watch, I needed one, I have gone a while without one but I hated the idea of not having one on. So there I was trying to decide which one I liked, since I couldn't choose I asked L to help me decide. She is really good at her job and knows my taste. It came down to two watches and L says "why not buy them both". LOL are you kidding me? I probably cannot afford one let alone two. So we agree that one is nicer than the other one and so I say to her "Ok what is the damage" feeling a little embarrassed if it was like $300.00 or more, I could never see me spending that kind of money on a watch. The most I ever spent on a watch was probably $29.99. Sure the expensive ones look nice but they are all going to do the same thing, tell time. L says oh this is not bad at all, "oh good I thought". And she tells me the price and I wanted to laugh and say I thought it wasn't bad". So I tell myself just get the watch, you really like it and you really need one. So I pulled out the good ole' card and said I will take it.
I think both my parents would have freaked out if I told them that I spent $170.00 (give or take) on a watch, they raised me to spend wisely and this to them was not wisely, lol
So, as I am driving home I keep saying "I can't believe I did this, I can't believe I did this, I should go back and say I changed my mind". I was actually freakin' out. I am sure that many of you out there are laughing at me and perhaps even saying that $170.00 is a cheap watch. But again I am not use to spending alot of money on things such as a watch. I'll be honest with you, it felt real good to pull out the card and make a purchase that I know was just for me but I am not sure if I will be doing it again in the near future, who knows.
For a week I was still in shock and I even slept with my watch on, I know it sounds childish but if you really know me I guess you would understand. :)
Tonight was my monthly dinner date with my cousin K, as always I had a good time.
As I was driving home (in the fast lane) I didn't notice that a white mini van was coming up fast behind me. In the slow lane was a semi-truck and there was a car in front of me. Well this guy comesthisclose behind the semi, and I thought to myself (I hate when people tailgate!) Well there was no room for this moron to merge over to my lane, OR SO I THOUGHT! This jackass merges over without warning (meaning no blinker) and makes me slam on my brakes. Well I lay on my horn to let him know that it was uncalled for what he just did, and this SOB has the nerve to roll down his window and flip me off. Well for those who know me well you all know that I was not going to let him get away with that. I could not believe that he did that, I mean he is the one who could have cause an accident! So I put my brights on and for about 5 miles I drove like that until he merge back over to the other lane. Of course when he did that I turned my brights off and went on driving while this moron continued to merge in and out of the lanes. About 20 minutes later I noticed (yes I am watching on where he is going) that he has his turning signal on (WOW, all of a sudden it works) looks like he is getting off at the exit where the casinos are. So as I pass him he honks his horn and is flipping me off. DAMN THIS MAN!!! So of course I too honk my horn at him and flip him off. I know I know it was not the smartest thing to do but he just pissed me off thinking he could drive like an ass and yet have the nerve to flip people off.
If he was going to the casino I hope he loses all his cash!!!!!
I come from a big family of aunts, uncles and tons of cousins. The one thing about my family is that many of them (including me) hold grudges, this bit of info comes in handy in this blog.
I have two GodChildren, a girl and a boy, the boy is also my nephew. The girl is the daughter of one of many cousins. Now the girl (Maddie) was my first GodChild, I was honored when I was asked to be her GodMother, I knew what my duties were as far as being a part of this childs life and I was willing to do whatever I had to to keep that promise.
As Godparent you are promising GOD that you will help this child believe in GOD have faith in GOD and follow the steps of GOD. I was off to a good start until Maddie's mother (my cousin) decided to pull her from visiting me. I am not sure why that was it was so long ago but never the less it hurt. I would send her gifts for her birthday, Christmas, Valentines, Easter and just because gifts and cards throughout the years. Word had it that my cousin wanted to throw everything away but people convinced her not to do so. This went on for a few years until one year I was able to see her again, oh what joy it was to see her yet sad because of the years I missed. Maddie knew then that I loved her, I would tell her everytime I talked to her and I wrote it in the cards I would send her. Then once again I couldn't see Maddie again. I think my cousin is bipolar(sp) she has a lot of anger in her too (that is the fault of her parents) She never gave me a reason but I know it had to do with my mother, I know it sounds dumb but like I said in the beginning there is a lot of us not speaking to each other for many many reasons.
But three years ago I could no longer see Maddie. Sad as it is I try not to dwell on it other wise I will cry ( I am very emotional). Just the other day my eldest daughter received a text on her phone and it was from Maddie! She was using her sisters phone. So I was able to text her back, I told her that I missed her and loved her very much, she replied that she knows I love her and that she loves me back. She mentioned that she wanted to ask her mother if I could go and visit but I told her not to because she might get repremanded for talking to me. She sent me a text photo of herself and I cannot believe how much she has grown, she will be a teen next month, boy how time flies. It made my night just to know that she does think of me just like I think of her and that she took the time to text and to let me know she is doing ok. I guess it looks like I will have to wait until she is 18 before I see her again. But that is ok, it is well worth the wait. I will take her out for lots of dinners so that we can catch up on our lost times together.
Growing up was hard for me, I was this skinny skinny long haired girl, who was (back then) shy and scared to talk to anyone. I am sure that all of us at one time or another have been picked on or made fun of at school. Sure I had some friends but the ones who were "cool" never gave me the time of day. Of course as I started High School, I still kept to myself only because the school I was attending was not such a safe school to be in, I still had my small group of friends but kept my distance from others.
My son came home yesterday (Valentine's Day) and he looked bummed, so I asked him what was wrong and he said he had a bad day, I told him to tell me what happened so he proceeds to go through is "ENTIRE" day, once he is done I look at him and ask "So why are you so bummed? Nothing you told me explains why you look sad". He says I can't tell you. Oh yes you can and I want to know now is my repsonse. He says that he wanted to give a girl something for Valentine's Day (she was once his little girlfriend for about a week,lol) so his big sister gave him a necklace to give to this girl. He said at recess he went up to her and asked her to be his Valentine and gave her the necklace, she looked at it and through it on the floor and said "No I will not be your Valentine, I don't like you". So I went to where my son was standing and I hugged him and said to him "I will always be your valentine son and do not worry because you are going to go through this time and time again with girls, but right now you are so young to be worried about things like this and in time there will be girls that like you and will want you to be their boyfriend." Then he says "well when is that?" My reply? "When you are 24 dude!". LOL
My thing is why are kids so rude to each other? This little girl crushed him, does she have no clue how long it took him to get up the courage to ask her? She could have at least said "Sorry R I am someone elses Valentine, and leave out the I don't like you part. But I have told my son just like I told my eldest daughter that there are going to be girls/guys coming in and out of your life and when you feel one of them is the right one you will be on cloud nine and it will feel right to be together. My son was pretty quiet the rest of the night, but today he seemed his self so hopefully he got over what happened and will just continue with his young life, going to school to learn lots of things and hopefully what happened yesterday will make him become a better person, a stronger person. I did tell him that life sucks sometimes especially if something doesn't go your way. I wish I would have had someone to talk to when I was young then I would have known that kids can be cruel to each other but don't take it personal they are just rude people trying to look cool.
Since my twins were about a year, I started doing something for my kids every Valentine's Day except for the last two years inwhich my eldest daughter has made comments about how she misses those days. The first year we were living at my in-laws house as we waiting for our house to be built and last year I was to exhausted and still getting use to having two additional kids living with us.
But what I do is I cut out different colored hearts and write things like 'You're cute" "Be Mine" "Mommy's baby girl" "You're Awesome" "Mommys' Prince" and I tape them on their bedroom doors, I then get them a small box of candy, a small teddy bear, a card, a balloon and a rose. In the morning of Valentine's Day they see the hearts on the doors and it makes me feel good because they have smiles on their faces and while the twins cannot read they will have me read them. Then right before the older kids get home I place the rose, the bear the card the candy and the balloon on each of their beds.
I went out today and bought all the things listed above except for the roses, I will purchase those tomorrow morning, but boy I cannot tell you how expensive it was, but I know it was well worth it because I will see how happy my kids are to get these things on what we all consider a mushy day. Of course the girls have no clue what Valentine's Day is but that is ok, like a lot of people say "It's just another day". To me it is a special day because we don't go out on a daily basis to buy our loved ones a rose or candy, and even though I tell my kids and husband that I love them everyday just getting those little things makes it special to tell them.
Don't ask how I can remember what I am about to write but I do, there are many things I remember when I was four and this is one of them.
I remember the day my mother went into labor with her second child, I being her first. It was at night I was already in bed and I heard my father on the phone with my grandmother telling her that they were going to drop me off at her house. While I was at my grandparents house I remember going to the phone when it rang and I was allowed to talk to my father on the phone I asked him if I had a brother and he said no that I had a sister, I hung up the phone. I was so mad because for some reason I wanted a brother and from that day on I would forever have issues with that sister.
Finally after waiting 13 years my wish came true. At the age of 17 I had a brother! For the first time in my life I knew what the word love meant. I loved that baby like if he were my own child. It was me who would end up getting his bottles at 2 in the morning, feeding him changing him rocking him to sleep and sometimes having him sleep with me so that I could get some sleep before I had to get up in the morning for school. I had a part-time job after school and when I would get paid the first thing I would do is go to Wolworth and buy my brother a toy. This boy never needed anything, I got him everything I could buy. I would take him out for walks in his stoller or take him outside just for some fresh air. He was my world.
When I was 18 I moved out, not because I wanted to but because I couldn't get along with my father, it killed me not to see my brother everyday, but I got to bring him to my apartment every weekend and boy did I enjoy that. I took him to the carnivals to the circus and even the zoo. I strongly feel that the guy I was dating at the time was jealous at the time I wanted to spend with my brother, but I couldn't help it I loved that little boy so much. Once I got married (the first time) the visits became minimal, not because I wanted it that way but because my then jealous boyfriend was now my husband.
I even took the day off on my brothers' first day of school, I cried when I had to leave him but I was there when school ended, I couldn't wait to see him and ask how is first day was. My brother was indeed spoiled I couldn't help but spoil him. I wanted to spend more time with my brother so I would go over to my parents house after work everyday just to spend some time with him. I was at all of his baseball games, I think I was the only one at the games with skirts and high heels!
As he got older we spent less time together and it broke my heart but I knew that we still had this bond between us that could never be broken. To me it was the blink of my eye when here I was at his High School Graduation, wow 18 years old and he was going to college and had a part time job, I saw a good future for him................
But that all changed because of where my parents lived. Gangs where everywhere and always trying to recuit him. He would tell me that he was more afraid of our parents kicking his ass than of the gangs. He never got into trouble in school and had many friends. My mother feared that if he didn't get out of the neighborhood that something bad would happen to him. So instead of talking to me she went straight to the sister I never got along with. And because of the bad blood between us she took my brother in just to spite me, she had rules for him as well. As long as he lived in "her" house he was never to come and visit me. My dad would bring him over to see me and oh what a joy it was to have him in my arms again. By then I had two kids of my own and on my second marriage but my love for this boy never ever changed, he knew I loved him but he was afraid of confrontation with his other sister so he stood away more than I know he wanted.
Well after a few years living with the "bad seed" she decided she no longer wanted him to live with her, so my mother called begging me to take him in. I was mad at her for not coming to me years before and I told her so, but I also told her that she didn't have to beg me to take him in, my door was always opened for him. I talked to my brother about it and he decided to go back home to where he would have his own room again. He was hurt, I could tell by his face that he would have to move back home because his own sister didn't want him anymore, and he knew that he could have stayed with me but because my place was not big enough at the time he chose not to stay with me. I will never forgive the bad seed for throwing him out! For it was then that his life was to change forever.
He was going to college and working but decided to take some time from school to work full time so that he could start saving money. When he moved back home he started going out with his friends, wanting to meet a girl and start dating. Well he met someone alright, someone who didn't deserve him, all she wanted was for someone to support her and her four kids. He fell hard for her and where I grew up everyone knows everyone so we knew she was trouble. My mom was hard on him which I knew was not going to work as far as him listening. I tried talking to him and telling him to please be careful. But he didn't listen to me either, (sigh)
He was dating this person (whom is 10 years his senior) for about 6 months when he lost his job, that is what happens when you choose to shack up with a broad instead of going to work. Soon after that I get a call from him telling me that I was going to be an aunt. I cried that night but I knew that I couldn't tell him how upset I was because he was sounded so happy, and to me that was all that mattered. He ends up having a healthy boy, I meet his son and I was happy for him. At this time they had to move in with my parents because not only is she a loser she is a gambler and would gamble his checks away instead of paying the rent. Now at this time the father of her two older children steps in and takes them away from her, leaving her with her two other kids that are not from this guy plus my nephew. Well I won't go into details about the living arrangements because we all know that living with other adults just don't work. She would sleep all day and go out all night while my brother watched the three kids, not to mention that at this point he has another job but if she didn't get home till 7am and he had to be at work at 7am there was no way this job was going to last seeing that they only the one car. Well, yep I was right that job was gone. Oh sure I know that not all of this is her fault, I mean my brother did let her get away with it instead of putting his foot down, but remember he is one that does not like to argue or fight, he would rather agree with you just to prevent argrument.
I had gone to visit my nephew/godson one day when my brother came up to me and stated that the broad was pregnant (AGAIN). He knew this time I was not happy. I told him that they both needed to get jobs and save their money to get their own place, they couldn't be mooching anymore. Once again I was not listened to. A week before my newphews' first birthday his little sister enters the world. MY FIRST NIECE!!! Here I was 40 and I was so excited to have a niece. I thought that perhaps things would change for the better for my brother, but his nightmare began 2 months after his daughter was born. I cannot say for sure what happened, and I know I will never know but the baby had a broken arm, naturally DCFS stepped in took the kids and both parents were charged for harming the baby. At this time I aged 10 years. MY BABY BROTHER WAS GOING TO JAIL!!!!!!! And there was nothing I could do to save him. Our lives were turned upside down in a matter of seconds and I just wanted to die. This young man whom had never had a fight of any kind was so quite and sweet was now behind bars. Now my parents never had a savings, always living paycheck to paycheck had to come up with bail money, we do not know any people that have that kind of money, how could this be happening to my family! My parents had to come up with $30,000.00, my brother called crying that we had to get him out, he had no clue as to what they charged him with nor the amount his bail was. The detectives did to him what they have done to others and what we see them do to people in the movies. They forced them to sign confessions. My brother trusts and believes in people so much that it was costing him his freedom. For 30 days he was in jail, I went to him and I just wanted to die, this precious person that was a part of me was in a place he didn't belong. I knew that this was killing my parents, I had never ever heard my mother cry the way she was for her son. I would talk to him on the phone everyday and he would tell me that he knew he was coming home before Thanksgiving, I never told him that I didn't think he would, he truly believed he would and I didn't have the heart to tell him otherwise. My parents took out their 401k funds cashed in their life insurance policies to finally come up with his bail. It took weeks before they would get the checks and then of course they had to wait for the funds to clear. The day before Thanksgiving two years ago, by brother lay on his bed in jail and said a prayer with the priest that came by that night and as the lights went out he said to his cellmate "I am going home tonight". He did indeed go home that night and he called me as soon as he was in my dads van and all we could do was cry. I saw him on Thanksgiving Day, I grabbed him and hugged and kissed him not wanting to let him go. We knew his nightmare was far from over but at least he was alive and home where he belonged.
Tomorrow my brother has court again, and this time he wants to plead guilty, he told me that he is tired of all of this and that he wants his kids back home with him. I told him that if he pleads guilty he will go to jail for a long time and that this will be on his record for the rest of his life. Not only will this kill me but I do not think my parents will survive this. This nightmare has taken alot out of our lives, and I pray that this time he will listen to me and ask the courts for a jury trail, at least this way he has a chance, a chance for his freedom, a chance for his children, a chance for his life.
No matter what he decides tomorrow, I could never stop loving him, for he is part of my world, someone that I prayed to GOD for when I was four years old, he is my brother.........................