Sad
Helpless
Frustrated
Angry
Loser
Lonely
Furious
Undeserving
These are just a few expressions of feelings going through my body, for quite awhile now I cannot stop feeling this way. I cry myself to sleep mainly because I miss my brother, but also because I am not working, things are not going well for me this year and there are still four more months left.
Sad: That may babies are going off to Kindergarten tomorrow, they are growing up so fast, how I
wish that they were babies again.
That the holidays will be coming soon and my brother will not be here with us.
Helpless: That I am not bringing in money to help with the finances
That I wasn't able to help my brother get out of the mess he is in.
Frustrated: That I haven't found a job yet
That my ex-husband won't just drop off the face of the earth
That my brother won't see his girlfriend for the bitch that she is
Angry: That I lost my job (once again)
That the world is not a safe place for children anymore (or was it ever?)
That my ex-husband is still fighting me in court for child support (it's been 6 years!)
Loser: This is how I feel, seeing that I cannot find a job that I can hold on to. I did once, was
there for 11 years but thanks to the President of the company, he decided to be a
greedy SOB and was stealing money from the company, thus making the FBI shut the
company down.
I also feel like this for not wanting to go back to school to better myself for a new career.
Bottom line is, my whole life I felt like a loser.
Lonely: So many things that make me lonely, like missing my grandparents, my brother, my
cousins (we were so close but we grew up and grew apart). I miss my godmother, she was a wonderful person just like my grandparents. My kids are growing up which means
pretty soon they will not need me as much as they do now.
Furious: With my brothers girlfriend, I know she is not honest with him and doing things behind
his back. With myself for all the things listed above. I need to let things go, I need to
not let things bother me so much. I may come off strong and bold but inside it kills me
what people thing about me or say about me. No one is perfect although I have many
relatives that believe that they are and tend to forget where they came from. Furious
with the way the economy is, if it were not this bad I would still have the job I dreamed
of 17 years ago.
Undeserving: I don't deserve to be married to the man I love, he is too good for me, he deserves
better. I don't deserve to have my kids, I love them with all of my heart but I
know that they could have a better person as a mother.
and lastly, the love of GOD, I have done things in my past that he would not
approve of, as a parent I know that I would not have approved my kids doing such
things, therefore I feel undeserving of his love.
I know sometimes it may seems like everything is coming crashing down. God is wanting to be close to you now more than ever. Take some time to pray and also to listen to Him, but not for anyone else's sake, for your own. Sometimes God just doesn't want us to pick up the pieces for everyone else. He's given us all of the resources that we need to survive. To prosper, though, we must go to Him. He wants us to place our worries in His hands and believe. I am praying for you. I am praying with you. And, as always, I love you.
I love you too, more than you'll ever know. :)
I was doing some email "spring cleaning", came across your blog, and decided to check in on you.
I am sorry to hear that you're going through such a tough time. Your post was a week ago, so I hope things are getting better.
Please know that you are not alone. Whether you realize it or not, you have an amazing support system full of friends and family that love you.
I agree with what "miss got wings" said, YOU ARE HUMAN - AS DESERVING OF GOD'S LOVE AS ANY OTHER.
I will share something my mother told me when I wanted to do something, but was afraid...she said, "You came here when you and God were ready. It wasn't up to anyone else. Behind that, there is nothing you can't do."
Everytime I think about that statement, I want to cry. It is the most powerful thing I have ever heard. I hope you take it and remember the same thing about yourself. The fact that you (and anyone else) came into this world is a miracle itself. Together with God, there is nothing you can't do.
Also, one of the hardest lessons I am still learning is to let go. So often we hear the phrase "Let go, let GOD", but we don't take the words to heart. We feel we need to handle everything (especially if you're a control freak like me). It is hard to let go and let HIM take care of things, but I found my stress level is down which we all need in this crazy world.
Do what you can, pray, and let go.
Love,
Rhea Lynn
First, I know I don't know you and you don't know me but I'm a honest person so I'm just gonna say it straight.
"Damn girl...you are way to hard on yourself....KNOCK.IT.OFF."
In all seriousness, your expectations of who you should be do not reflect on who you really are. Be proud that you are a hot-tempered Mexican who happens to be a Leo. Be proud that you spent 11yrs at the same job and be proud that you want to kick the Presidant of that companies fool ass. And be proud that you have a man who loves you and children who do as well. They are lucky to have you, and you must see this. It isn't healthy to feel so undeserved. Trust me.
Now. Go. Get your groove on and have a great day. You are sooooo worth it.
I am very proud to be Mexican don't get me wrong, I love my heritage. But since this post things really haven't changed for the better, still feeling blah at times, my two older kids are giving me a hard time, one thinks that since she is close to the 18 mark she can do whatever she wants, well NOT IN MY HOUSE. And my son, well he has always given me the run for my money, I have gray hair to prove it, lol. but thanks for posting on my blog, you did make me feel better.