Sad
Helpless
Frustrated
Angry
Loser
Lonely
Furious
Undeserving
These are just a few expressions of feelings going through my body, for quite awhile now I cannot stop feeling this way. I cry myself to sleep mainly because I miss my brother, but also because I am not working, things are not going well for me this year and there are still four more months left.
Sad: That may babies are going off to Kindergarten tomorrow, they are growing up so fast, how I
wish that they were babies again.
That the holidays will be coming soon and my brother will not be here with us.
Helpless: That I am not bringing in money to help with the finances
That I wasn't able to help my brother get out of the mess he is in.
Frustrated: That I haven't found a job yet
That my ex-husband won't just drop off the face of the earth
That my brother won't see his girlfriend for the bitch that she is
Angry: That I lost my job (once again)
That the world is not a safe place for children anymore (or was it ever?)
That my ex-husband is still fighting me in court for child support (it's been 6 years!)
Loser: This is how I feel, seeing that I cannot find a job that I can hold on to. I did once, was
there for 11 years but thanks to the President of the company, he decided to be a
greedy SOB and was stealing money from the company, thus making the FBI shut the
company down.
I also feel like this for not wanting to go back to school to better myself for a new career.
Bottom line is, my whole life I felt like a loser.
Lonely: So many things that make me lonely, like missing my grandparents, my brother, my
cousins (we were so close but we grew up and grew apart). I miss my godmother, she was a wonderful person just like my grandparents. My kids are growing up which means
pretty soon they will not need me as much as they do now.
Furious: With my brothers girlfriend, I know she is not honest with him and doing things behind
his back. With myself for all the things listed above. I need to let things go, I need to
not let things bother me so much. I may come off strong and bold but inside it kills me
what people thing about me or say about me. No one is perfect although I have many
relatives that believe that they are and tend to forget where they came from. Furious
with the way the economy is, if it were not this bad I would still have the job I dreamed
of 17 years ago.
Undeserving: I don't deserve to be married to the man I love, he is too good for me, he deserves
better. I don't deserve to have my kids, I love them with all of my heart but I
know that they could have a better person as a mother.
and lastly, the love of GOD, I have done things in my past that he would not
approve of, as a parent I know that I would not have approved my kids doing such
things, therefore I feel undeserving of his love.
Every girl dreams of marrying Prince Charming, or at least someone very close to that description. I was no exception, as a little girl I knew that I did not want to marry a doctor, a policeman nor a fireman, these guys would never be home and I wanted my husband home with me. I had my share of boyfriends, many had even asked me to marry them. The majority of them were jobless so I knew then there was no way I was going to marry a loser. I was wrong! At the age of 17, a Senior in High School I met a man (24 years of age) who was a Marine. I was in the J.R.O.T.C program for my four years of H.S. (graduated second in command, a great honor as far as the military goes) so when I met him for the first time I fell in love. Yeah I know what does a 17 year old know about love. Well let's just say I ended up marrying this creep, had 2 kids, and 5 years into the marriage it was over. The sad thing was that when I walked down the aisle with this creep I no longer was in love with him, I married him because we had a daughter and I felt that I owed it to her for her parents to be married, I know I know I was stupid. I swore then that I was done with men, I couldn't trust them, I had two children to raise on my own therefore I would not have time to date, which was fine with me. One woman who I worked with had told me that when I wasn't looking for a man it would be then that I would find one. I thought she was weird because that saying was weird, but it is one I will forever remember. There was one guy, tall skinny white guy, who worked in the computer room that would change my mind, even though I wanted nothing to do with him or any other man. This guy was very quite and would only say hi when we past each other in the hall. He surprised me one day when he sent me an e-mail. Now of course this was a long time ago so I will write the conversation as I remember it.
M: Hi
Me: Hi
M: you consider us friends right?
Me: sure, why
M: well, I was wondering if you would do me a favor
Me: it depends, what is it?
M: I have a wedding coming up in December and I was wondering if you would go with me as my date
Me: (I don't think I responded for what seemed a long time, but probably about 5 minutes, I was in shock)
M: hello?
Me: yeah I'm here. Well it depends, what day is it?
M: December 6th
Me: I don't know dude, I don't have anything to wear and I really can't afford to buy new clothes right now.
M: If you go with me I will buy you whatever you need
Me: Oh you don't have to do that. Can I get back to you?
M: Sure
So here I go asking people about M, many people we worked with knew him better than I did. All I knew was that he was quite, and polite, and that he dressed to the nines (which I liked). Every single person I talked to said he was a wonderful person and that I should go with him to the wedding. My excuse? He wasn't my type. I liked older men, we were the same age (well I am 7 days older than he is) so therefore he didn't qualify. People kept telling me that "for petes sake you are not marrying the guy, just going as his date to the wedding". So as nervous as I was I said yes, but under no circumstances was this a date, I was just doing a friend a favor, he said ok no problem. So I had him meet me at my best friends house, I didn't want him to know where I lived, what if he was a stalker! (LOL) It was a strange date to say the least, since he was a quite person we didn't talk much during the ride to the church nor did we talk much at the reception, nice huh. It was very awkward to say the least, he went off to dance with the bride and another female friend of his, they took pictures all the while I sat there alone not knowing a soul there. He introduced me to his friend, the bride, who thanked me for coming as her friends date, and said something to the fact of us dating, little did I know she was right. I was glad the night was over, seeing that we had nothing in common, he was a nice guy and I was glad to have done him a favor. Well M had asked me out for dinner soon after the wedding and I don't know why I said yes but I did, this time we had a good time. It was then that he asked me if I would be his date for his cousins wedding. WTF?? Are you serious? I hardly know this guy and I am now his wedding date for all weddings? LOL. I told him that I didn't think so, this was his family I was going to be around, there was no way I would feel comfortable. Once again I don't know why I said yes but I did, and once again I had a good time. I remember meeting one aunt in paticular, she was the grooms mother, and I fell in love with her on the spot, she came and hugged me and thanked me for coming and was introducing me as M's date (urgh). She even had me get into the family picture (what did she know that I didn't that made her want to have me in the family picture?) From that point on M and I were an item, we didn't go out on dates much because I had my kids and they came first, and I didn't want the kids to know about him because I was not sure where this relationship would go. I had my friends set me up on blind dates while I was going through my divorce (yuk yuk yuk) because I had said I was through with men, and here I was catching one on my own without even knowing that I really wanted it. As I got to know M I grew to like him. I could tell that he had family values, his parents had done well raising him. He was polite, such a gentleman, and treating me like a woman (not a possession) a person, something I never got before. I liked being treated like I was special, and it was then that I felt in my heart that this could be the man for me, the man of my dreams, my prince charming. I had a feeling that he was going to propose I just didn't know when and when he did I was floored at the engagement ring he had bought, I had never seen anything like it! I told him that I couldn't say yes until he asked my daughter for permission, I was so worried about how she would feel, as far as I could tell she liked him but did she like him enough to allow him into our lives? Her input was important to me and I didn't want to marry this man if she was not going to be on board with it. I remember M being so nervous, it was so cute, how could a man be nervous talking to a 5 year old? So M came to my house and sat down with her, he told her that he loved her mommy and not only did he want to marry her mommy but that he wanted to marry her and her little brother as well, he wanted us to be a family, he then gave her a ring (with her birthstone), I was in awe that he would do something like that. If I remember correctly I think he got on his knee and put the ring on her finger, I tried not to peek into the room but I couldn't help it. :)
The following year we were married, and I really didn't care if we had a big wedding ( I already had one) but I knew his mother wanted one for her son. M took care of all the wedding arrangements, he had picked out the dress he wanted me to wear and although it was beautiful it just didn't look right on me. The only thing he had nothing to do with was the Mariachi, this man even bought me my wedding shoes!!! He is such an incredible man, how could I not want to marry him? I truly believe that GOD sent this wonderful man into my life, at a time when I was at my low.
Looking back now it is funny because M and I worked for the same company for almost the same amount of time and little did we know as we past each other in the hallways everyday that we would be married to each other one day. In the last 9 years of being married to M we have had our share of laughs, tears, grief and joy, we added two more children into the family and I can honestly say that I am happy, happy that I have finally found the man of my dreams.
Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to have six kids, yes you read right, six. I wanted three boys and three girls and I wanted the boys to be born first, so that way they could take care of their little sisters if they were being picked on. I was 25 when I was pregnant with my first child. A child I was hoping was a boy (not to mention healthy). I admit I was a little sad when my daughter was born because I really wanted a boy but I thanked GOD for a beautiful healty girl.
4 1/2 years later I was pregnant with my second child, this time I wanted a girl that way my daughter wouldn't be so lonely and would have someone to play with. This time I had my boy. I was shocked because I had all the same symptoms that I had with my first pregnancy so I thought for sure it was a girl. What a handsome little boy he was. He was born with hair and fair skin but as the months went by he lost the majority of his hair and he looked like a little white boy, lol, thus giving him the nickname "guerro". I should have known that as soon as he started rolling around (at four months) that he would be a handful in the years to come. He was a stubborn little boy, he would crawl onto my coffee table and I would tell him no and move him away from the table only to see him back there seconds later. His laugh was so different from any other baby laugh I had ever heard, it was more of a squeal and it was the funniest thing to hear, it always made me laugh. He was such a happy baby unaware of the misery that lingered in our home. He was four months old when I seperated from his father, so he never knew what it was like to be raised by his biological father. But yet as my boy grew older he had so many of his father's bad traits, it was weird. This boy was such a hyper boy when he was 2, 3, 4 heck he still is, lol. Always keeping me on my toes, me never knowing what this kid was going to do next, always the unexpected. He adjusted as well as he could to a life without his biological father. The man comes and goes in his life and I know it still bothers my son but he knows that there is nothing he can do about it. My son will turn 12 this year, and I still cannot believe how much he has grown. Everyone of his teachers from kindergarten to his 5th grade teacher have told me that my son has potential, he can be anything he wants to be when he grows up he just needs to learn to take his time and really concentrate on his studies, I have told him what his teachers have said and he smiles, I know it makes him feel good that people notice how good he is in school and in outside activities. Two years ago my husband had finally convinced him to play sports so he plays flag football in the fall and soccer in the spring. All year round he is in Karate, this will be his second year and he already is a 1st degree orange belt. Right now he has one goal in life and that is to continue with Karate until he becomes a black belt, I hope he continues because he is really good at it. Even in the sports he plays his coaches have all loved having him on their team. My son has come a long way with his lashing out when angry and has improved but he does still have a little ways to go yet. I know he has anger in him as far as his father is concerned but I just hope that the love my husband and I give him will over power that anger and he will be able to move on with his life as he gets older. He has been on the honor roll this whole year as well.
I know I had wanted three sons at one time, but my Raymond is three sons all in one, lol. I love this boy so much and I am trying so hard to raise him not to be like his father, I want him to be a man, to stand up for himself when necessary and yet know how to treat others and not treat them as trophies, to respect people so that they in turn will respect him, and to be a man of his word, because that is important in life.
My son knows that if he does wrong he will get repremanded big time, and he has in the past gotten in big trouble for things he has done, I just hope that he learns from his mistakes. He has never been nor will he ever be a mama's boy, and he is learning how to load and unload the dishwasher (which he hates,lol) and this summer he will be cutting the grass and possibly other chores as well. I want him to be independent and not having to rely on others. I hope all my dreams for him come true, that he goes off to college and becomes someone that helps others. I am so proud of my son and I love him very much, I am also glad that I only have one son that way he doesn't have to feel that he needs to compete in life with a brother (sibling rivary). He is such a special young man and I am proud to say that he is my son. One of the special men in my life.
Well yesterday was the wake of Roger. There was a peaceful feeling in the room. My cousin T looked good considering what she is going through, she looked peaceful as well. Their kids, my goodness how they have grown, are so well behaved and look so much like their daddy. So many things that alot of us didn't know about him which is sad seeing he was in the family for over 15 years. I had wrote in a previous blog that they had found out about his tumor after their bad car accident which was incorrect. My cousin T stood up and talked about her life with Roger when the services were coming to an end. And I believe there was not one dry eye in the room once she was done. I don't see how she had the strength to talk for about 20 minutes but she did. They found out about the tumor a week before they got married, and yet the day of their wedding they were so happy and neither one of them looked like there was anything wrong. These two were so made for each other, they were so in love you can see just how strong their love was. She talked about the last week of his life which was amazing. On one of the days he told her that he wanted to go and get thier taxes done. He could barely talk barely get around and here he said "taxes". So off they go to get that done. The next day he said a few words and my cousin couldn't understand what he was saying but after a few times of saying it she understood that he wanted her to call and make sure that the financial part of the insurance and disability was in order. On the day that would be his last time he was taken to the hospital my cousin told the kids that she thought this was the end for their daddy and that they need to say goodbye.
Roger was able to talk to both of his babies. His son now 10 went in first and told his father, "daddy I love you and I want you to know that I am so proud that you are my daddy". Roger responds with tears "you are the best son, I am so proud that I am your father, I love you too". His little girl age 5 went in next and told her daddy that she loved him and he replied "I love you and you will always be my little girl". That was the last time they saw thier daddy alive.
How amazing that he was able to say goodbye and his kids were able to do the same. Not everyone has a chance to say what they want before someone dear passes away.
Even though I am still very angry that a wonderful person has been taken from his family, I know that he is no longer in pain and all the suffering he went through for 11 years is gone. I pray that my cousin has the strength to continue raising their children as they would have together. May GOD be there for these little children and comfort them through their journey in life.
I never knew just how amazing my cousin is until she had to go through all of these for 11 years I just wish I had her strength. She truly is incredible.
Some of you know me quite well. And for those of you who don't, well lets' just say that I don't like spending money foolishly. My husband on the other hand is just the opposite. I always think of others when it comes to spending money before I spend some on myself, that is until Feb. 2nd when I did something that I have never done before nor do I think I will do it again (but it felt good doing it). Now let me start by saying that if I need or want something I tend to buy it at Walgreens, Walmart, Target, K-Mart, you get the picture right? So I will not buy a pair of shoes that are over $25.00 nor jeans that are over $25.00 to me that is just crazy. Jewlery: well if I want a cheap pair of earrings I will get them at the above stores and be happy. This time I had been thinking probably since December that I wanted to go into a jewlery store and buy "ME" somthing. I don't know why I felt this way but I did and it took me awhile to get the courage to do it. Now my DH doesn't care that I spend money as a matter of fact he wants me to spend money on myself. So here I go, into a jewlery store that his cousins wife works at. I waited awhile for her because she was taking care of a customer, so I looked around the store and at times I wanted to walk out of there, I mean who was I kidding, I couldn't really afford what they have there. I saw quite a few things that I liked but what I was really looking for was a watch, I needed one, I have gone a while without one but I hated the idea of not having one on. So there I was trying to decide which one I liked, since I couldn't choose I asked L to help me decide. She is really good at her job and knows my taste. It came down to two watches and L says "why not buy them both". LOL are you kidding me? I probably cannot afford one let alone two. So we agree that one is nicer than the other one and so I say to her "Ok what is the damage" feeling a little embarrassed if it was like $300.00 or more, I could never see me spending that kind of money on a watch. The most I ever spent on a watch was probably $29.99. Sure the expensive ones look nice but they are all going to do the same thing, tell time. L says oh this is not bad at all, "oh good I thought". And she tells me the price and I wanted to laugh and say I thought it wasn't bad". So I tell myself just get the watch, you really like it and you really need one. So I pulled out the good ole' card and said I will take it.
I think both my parents would have freaked out if I told them that I spent $170.00 (give or take) on a watch, they raised me to spend wisely and this to them was not wisely, lol
So, as I am driving home I keep saying "I can't believe I did this, I can't believe I did this, I should go back and say I changed my mind". I was actually freakin' out. I am sure that many of you out there are laughing at me and perhaps even saying that $170.00 is a cheap watch. But again I am not use to spending alot of money on things such as a watch. I'll be honest with you, it felt real good to pull out the card and make a purchase that I know was just for me but I am not sure if I will be doing it again in the near future, who knows.
For a week I was still in shock and I even slept with my watch on, I know it sounds childish but if you really know me I guess you would understand. :)